By Joy Olmstead and Jandie Lowe
Traumatic Experiences
I was a young mother of seven
children living in a suburb in California. We had it all-a successful and
prosperous business, beautiful family, excellent schools, a large gorgeous home
with a pool. The typical American dream-then tragedy struck. My younger brother
was killed instantly at the age of 26. I didn’t know then, but this was just
the beginning of ten long years of trauma and suffering for my children and
myself. My husband spiraled out of control down a road of pornography addiction
and extramarital affairs. I discovered the first affair within weeks of my
brother’s death. The second affair ended our marriage after three long years of
fighting for my family to stay together.
As a divorced mother of six
minor children, I had relocated to another state after losing my home and car.
I met him on the Internet on a singles site. It was a whirlwind romance as he
swept me off my feet. Due to the trauma and battered self-worth from my first
husband’s affairs and divorce, I missed the red flags as he pushed for
marriage. Shortly after marrying him, I knew I had made a mistake. His views on
sex and sexuality were off especially with women and young girls-I had five. I
will never forget the day I found proof that he had profiles on pornography
sites on the Internet. He was deep into addiction. Suddenly, instantly,
everything clicked. It all made sense. I was sickeningly horrified. A
combination of panic, fear, dread, and immense, overwhelming heartache and sadness
overcame me. Questions swirled in my head: “How did this happen?”… “How did I
allow myself and my children to be in such a vulnerable position?”
I was a girl from a tiny farm
town in the West when a friend came out to visit from the east coast. I didn't
know then, that my whole life would be impacted from that visit. I have
come to realize those small moments we participate in are what impacts our
future lives in the biggest way. During this visit, we fell in love, and knew
we wanted to be together. That started a year of flying back and forth every
other weekend. Coming from a small town, I saw a whole world open up. Traveling
and seeing things I never thought I would, it was all so exciting. Not to
mention, I was living my fairytale. After a year of long distance, I moved to
Virginia. That is when I came face to face with the aftermath of trauma. Red
flags started coming to the surface, addictions to drugs and pornography all to
mask the trauma he had witnessed when he was a young boy. Not only had trauma
dramatically impacted the life of the man I loved, but also it was now
affecting mine.
Effects of Trauma and Addiction
With pornography and
substance addiction on the rise, more and more families are being traumatized.
The negative impact these substances have on our homes, our families, our
children, and our lives affects all of us. These stories represent a part of
each and every one of our lives in some way or another. Even if we individually
haven’t had trauma in our own lives, we know someone that has. You know that
person, who is wonderful in every way except he/ she can’t get this one thing
together and it affects the rest of their lives!
Many people who have
experienced trauma want to mask the pain and often resort to drugs and
pornography as that balm. Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or
disturbing experience. In medical terminology they describe trauma as
physical injury. Trauma leads to these addictions, which then leads to more
traumas in the family, which then breeds more addiction.
- In drug rehabilitation centers, 85%
of the patients have experienced trauma (Giorano 2014).
- 45 out of 50 people who experience high
levels of childhood trauma engage in substance abuse and experience
lowered self-esteem (Ekinci 2015).
- According to a study by Clifford L.
Broman (2003), there is evidence that attitudes towards pornography can
become more accepting after trauma.
How to Find Hope and Healing
As a society filled with
people who are suffering from trauma, we need to be the ones to stand and say
this addictive behavior isn’t acceptable. We need to deal with the problem at
hand, and heal trauma victims’ injuries before it leads to addiction. Often
those who suffer from addiction aren’t ready for help. We then must make sure
we keep ourselves and those we love safe. We have to be aware of those moments
that are life changing and make sure we are able to step away for our families,
our children, and our own well-being. There are many organizations that stand
ready to help with information and resources to lend hope and healing to our
families, our children, and those loved ones who are already deeply entrapped
in addictions. Let’s unite together as a society and fight for what matters
most to us-our homes, our families, our children.
List of sites fighting against pornography:
List of states and national organization websites:
National
Utah
Maryland
Texas
List of organizations for information and help with addiction:
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